If You Only Knew
by ReallyGoneLooPyLooNy
Summary: Nobody knows about Blaine's past. He was never going to talk about it, but his recent move to McKinley and the comments of certain individuals is bringing it all back. How will he react? And most importantly, how will Kurt react? Blangst. Rated T for language and triggers/adult themes regarding violence. Might chang to M later if it gets too angsty, tell me if you think I should.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Why's this so hard?  
Okay trying really hard not to make an internal sex joke at that… Course I would never say anything out _loud_. That'd just be weird. I'm Mr Oh-so-sensible-Warbler-Bowtie Anderson who-wears-really-tight-pants-apparently. Well that's just my style, don't knock it. Better than yours *ahem* Finn Hudson *ahem*, at least I _have_ style. Uh-oh here comes the rant… Finn has been nothing but, well, a dick to me since I got to McKinley. Like seriously, what the fuck is his problem?! I have put up with his crap since day one. He's the one making it so hard! Gotta laugh at that one. Okay, calm down Blaine, it's just because he's your boyfriend/soul-mate/love-of-your-life's brother. Kurt. Oh Kurt. So now it just takes one silly thought of him and how adorable and cute he is and I feel like I just swallowed a jelly whole. He is kinda-totally-perfect though. Not my fault. He's the only reason I came here. It still hurts. Thinking about what I'm leaving behind and the world I'm coming into again. I'm still absolutely terrified. I won't ever let on though. Not even to Kurt. I am dapper Blaine, always charismatic and cheerful, never insecure or scared. Not on the outside.

At least there's a glee club. Minus Kurt, music is my life. It has so much power over me, more than I care to admit. I just love to sing. Ever since I was little, whenever anything bad happened, I'd write a song and everything would be okay. Through what _he_ did, through the bullying, through everything, song-writing and singing have been my forms of escapism. Sometimes reality is just too _real_. And then everything gets too much. But not anymore. Those parts of me will always stay apart from my reality. And that is why I sing.

But, sometimes I still feel blue. Like now. Even with Kurt and the singing and writing and even art, I feel insecure. I really did try to write a song but it just… didn't work. Like there's something wrong with me. I'll just add it to the long list. I mean, I transferred _schools_. Okay, that sounds really lame when I put it like that. But, to me it's a big deal. Nobody seems to understand that, except maybe Kurt. I just have the worst memories of public school. Being almost beaten to death isn't exactly fun, ever. Blaine, don't go there now, nope, not gonna do that, no sir. Happy, happy, happy, gotta be happy Blaine for glee practice. No matter what Finn says, keep your cool. Phew, okay you can totally do this. It's show time!

Authors Note:  
This is my first Glee fic and my second overall, I hope you like it. It will get super-angsty because I feel like I need to write this down. If you're not into this, don't read it - I'd hate to upset anybody. But if you do read, a review would be more awesome than marshmallow fluff. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Or the middle. Or the top. Whichever you like most :)  
Chapter length will most likely get longer :D dw ~LooNy3


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

I open the door to the choir room and immediately notice that Kurt's not here yet. Don't panic, he's probably just held up somewhere, you are early after all. Hang on… there's only one, two, three… three people here. Not including me. Brittany, Santana and... Finn. Great. Bloody brilliant. Evils? Really? Very mature Finn. This is going to be so awkward. I'd sit next to Brittany but Santana's beaten me to it and well, she scares the shit outta me. I guess I'm sitting at the far side then, away from everyone. Just to make it even more awkward.

"Hey Blainster!" It's Brittany, that's okay. Can't remember why she calls me Blainster. Meh, I can roll with that. I'll greet her with a charming smile and a wave. Lucky girl. Mr Schuester comes in; I can tell he's surprised that there are four of us here already. "Wow, you guys are here early." No shit, Sherlock. Well, even though Mr Schue can be really obvious sometimes, I quite like him. The teachers at Dalton were good, we all got good grades, but they were _mean_. "Blaine, I was thinking, seeing as you're our newest addition, maybe you could do a solo for Regionals? Your voice is really powerful. Would you be up for that?" Omigosh is Mr Schue talking to me?! He said my name, so he must be. I get a solo?! Eeep, okay this is good. Okay, it's awesome. I GOT A SOLO. I'll pretend it's not that big of a deal. Short reply – that'll do it. "I'm game." I hope I didn't sound too over-excited. He smiles at me kindly. Get in there Blaine!

Ooh, Finn does _not_ look happy! I can't help it, part of me is glad he's angry that I got the solo. Seriously, it's taking all my willpower not to gloat in his stupid whale face. Now, now Blaine, play nice. Oh, here comes Rachel, sauntering into the room as always. She may be kinda out there but she's lovely. She's like the female version of me, but more pompous. I give her a winning smile, which she returns before making a beeline for her boyfriend. She asks him what's up, I hope he doesn't say anything about me – I'd be mortified. His face is getting steadily redder… Oh dear, kinda wish I hadn't accepted the solo now. He's getting up. Don't come here, don't come here, _please_ don't come here! Calm down, you're not scared of him. I am though. I'm afraid. Don't let it show.

"Hey, just because you come from a preppy boys school doesn't mean you get to steal all our solos!" Wow, Finn really does look like a whale when he's angry. Say something, anything.  
"What's your problem?!" That was so lame. Why'd I even say that? Oh I really wish Mr Schuester was here, he's disappeared off somewhere. Why isn't anyone saying anything? I thought these guys were my friends. Apparently  
"Y'know not all of us have parents who can afford to send us to private schools. And now you've come here to steal all our solos. Little rich boy Blaine gets whatever he wants, what about the rest of us?!"  
Why is he saying this? What gives him the right? He knows _nothing_ about me or my parents! I can feel the prickly sensation behind my eyelids. No, not here. You don't have to put up with this. I stand up and swallow hard. Can't show him any weakness. You can walk away. But why am I still stood here, glued to the spot?  
"Well come on then, Mr Perfect, make an excuse to explain why you're such a selfish twat!" He shoves my shoulders and I nearly trip over the chair behind me. And again. What can I say? He's winning, he's breaking me. I _wish_ I was Mr Perfect.

My silence seems to anger him further, but he has me cornered. Now I'm actually scared. I learnt how to box but he is much taller than me. Still, nobody is helping me. Guess they really aren't my friends. Or maybe they believe what he's saying. Anger courses through me. I clench my teeth and ready myself with a retort. "I don't have to answer to you!" He uppercuts me to the face. I can feel my nose bleeding - wet and warm blood is rushing down to my lips. I push my fist hard into his stomach and he doubles over. I'm getting the hell outta here, I can't deal with this. I manage to hold the tears back until the door, then they fall and so do I.

Author's Note:  
This fic is a challenge for me - I'm trying to write more in the present tense because I'm weakest at it. If I've made any tense mistakes (or any others) please tell me and I'll amend it. I have some ideas about what's gonna happen but if you guys don't like it tell me and I'll leave it, but if you wanna know what happens I'm happy to continue. Reviews would be nice either way :) Critique is always welcome :)  
~LooNy


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Blaine was nearly at the end of the corridor when Kurt arrived. They clashed shoulders as they passed in the corridor. Kurt did a double-take when he noticed it was Blaine. His first instinct told him to run after his boyfriend and console him, he was so obviously upset. But this was Blaine, ever happy Blaine. It must have been something serious. So Kurt battled against his instincts so he could find out what Blaine needed, so that he, Kurt, could be the one to give it to him. He took a deep breath through his nose and walked nonchalantly into the choir room.

The scene that greeted him was surprising to say the least. Finn was on the floor, Rachel was fussing over him, Santana and Brittany just looked shocked. "Finn, what happened?" Kurt questioned his brother whilst trying to help him up. As he clambered to his feet, he looked murderous. Kurt stepped back slightly. "Your psycho boyfriend punched me!"  
'Wait, wait, wait, Blaine did this?' Kurt thought to himself. There had to be an explanation. Brittany piped in, "You hit him first and that's bullying."  
"Finn!" Kurt gasped. "Why the _hell_ did you punch him?!" Finn didn't answer, he just sat down next to Rachel and stared at the floor as though it had personally insulted him. Kurt was almost as angry as Finn looked, which was strange, because Kurt was the type of person who just cried when things upset him, he almost never got angry. 'This is different,' he told himself, 'because it's Blaine.'

Kurt sat down at Finn's other side. "I swear down, Finn, you had better tell me what happened or I'll never speak to you ever again." Kurt was surprised that neither Rachel or Santana, the biggest drama queens ever, had stayed silent this entire time. If Kurt wasn't already on edge from seeing Blaine like that, he sure would be now.

Mr Schue walked in. He may be quite unobservant but even he felt the tension in the room. He looked on the clock, it was still quite early, but Tina, Mike and Artie would usually be here by now. And, Mr Schuester noticed, Blaine had gone. Now he was started to get a little apprehensive. He put his sheet music down on the piano and looked around. A frown appeared on his face. "Okay guys, answers. Now. Where did Blaine go?" Everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Nobody could look anyone else in the eye. Nobody except Kurt. He had his head held high.

The choir room door opened and Artie came in followed by Mike, Tina and Sam. "Hey guys, what did we miss-" Artie began before he too lapsed into silence. Finally, Finn spoke, "It's not my fault okay, he's the one who just waltzed in here and now he's number one." Kurt was ready with his scathing reply, "Blaine has been nothing but kind to you since he got here, but you, you've just treated him like crap! You're a bully, Finn! I thought you were different now, but you haven't changed at all!"

Even Finn looked shocked at that outburst. Mr Schuester decided to step in. "Kurt, calm down, there's got to be a reasonable explanation for this. Right, Finn?" Finn looked away. "Now what exactly happened?" His question was aimed mainly at Santana, Brittany and Rachel. Santana put in her words of wisdom, "Whale was born, probably jealous of us all because we don't have huge flippers walk like drunk elephant, took his anger out on the sexy new gay, now Kurt is apparently angry, I've no idea how that happened but he's probably going to kill oaf boy over here, which personally, I'd quite like to see."  
"Shut up Santana, you don't know anything!" Finn stood up and some of his anger had returned.  
"Yeah, and you know everything there is to know about that Blaine kid." Was Santana actually defending Blaine? That was new. Kurt stood up and squared up to his brother. "You've got until tomorrow in glee club to make this right and apologise. It's the least you could do." And with that, Kurt swept out of the room to go and find Blaine.

Author's Note:  
Hmm, this chapter is in 3rd person, I'm trying to be really creative with the format but if it doesn't work, tell me and I can change it. Also, chapters will be getting longer as I get into it and all deep and stuff, if i continue. Reviews and critique are more than welcome.  
~LooNy


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**TW - **(self harm and a panic attack)

I still can't believe I came to the disabled bathroom, its so cliché. But this is where I've always hidden away – in a bathroom. Where nobody can hear me sob. Blaine, calm down, control yourself. This is nothing, okay? It doesn't mean anything. Yet I'm still torn.  
_Nothing's fine I'm torn.  
_Song lyrics float randomly through my head, how appropriate.  
_I'm all out of faith  
This is how I feel  
_It just makes me cry harder. At everything. Bad memories are filling up my head, they'll drown me. Wish my life was normal, the way life should be.  
_And I run now to the things they say could restore me  
Restore life the way it should be  
I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down  
_Why am I doing this to myself? Tear tracks are etched onto my cheeks, they'll fade but my scars won't. I'm broken.  
_You can't play on broken strings  
You can't feel anything  
That your heart don't want to feel  
_I want to be able to stop. But I can't. I feel haunted. By my own memories. I thought life would get better but it just gets worse.  
_But I thought  
This wouldn't hurt a lot  
I guess not  
_It was stupid of me to think I'd be able to cope here, I can't. They all hate me, I can't ever get anyone to like me, they all end up hating me in the end. My parents, bullies, the guys at McKinley, eventually Kurt will give up on me too. I'm a failure who can't please anyone.  
_I've been a fool and I've been blind.  
I could never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
_If nobody wants me around, what's the point in even being alive? I should just do the world a favour and die. Not that I haven't tried. But I'm a coward, I'm scared of dying. I wish I could just end it but I always cough up the pills, or bandage the wounds so nobody will ever see.  
_All I wanna do is lose control  
_My hand wanders over my bag, my pen knife is in there. I look over my arms, an array of purple white pink and red scars of various lengths stare up at me. I hate myself. I'm hideous. If Kurt knew, he'd cast me aside without blinking. I want to have control over my pain. My fingers itch with want. I deserve it. _No_. Stop. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. My hand are shaking. I take my phone out, several messages from Kurt that I can't bear to read right now, and… a message from Cooper? I haven't heard from him in an age. Curiosity peaked. I open the text. My eyes are still full of tears, I can barely read it through my blurred vision. I wipe away the moisture with my sleeve and proceed to read.  
_Hey Squirt! I know I haven't spoken to you in while-  
_A while? Try a half a year.  
_but this is important. I got a letter from dad. I'm on my way to Ohio now, we'll talk then. Coop  
_What. Shock fills my body. A letter from _him_? I can't breathe. _Why_? I haven't spoken to him since… The voice in my head finishes that thought off for me. _I haven't spoken to him since the trial_.

The tears fall faster now, I don't know whether I can handle this. In fact, I can't. I think In proved that by _not being able to fucking breathe. _Why can't I breathe? Usually I don't even notice that I'm breathing but now, my body is trying to kill me. I cough and splutter, it's really loud – I'm panicking. I can't feel anything but panic, fear and self-hatred. I hear the door open, I hope no-one sees me like this.  
"Blaine? Are you in here?" Oh no, it's Kurt. I can't let him see me like this. I try not to breathe so damn loudly but I know he can hear me. "Blainey is that you?" He could see my bag under the toilet door. _Shit_. I can't move it now. He knocks on the door. _Shit shit shit _what do I do?! "I know it's you Blaine, I'd recognise those shoes anywhere. Talk to me." I don't _want_ to talk. I don't want to push him away but he's coming too close and I'm not comfortable with this.

I want him to leave. He can't see me cry. I can see his feet now, those Gucci boots he loves so much. _Can't breathe_. "Blaine?! It sounds like you're having a panic attack or something!" He bangs on the door again. My eyes widen in fear, another sharp and painful intake of breath. "Let me help you!" He sounds concerned. He's making me panic more, why won't he leave? I hear a clicking noise and the door comes loose. He's opened it from the outside. I don't know why I'm so scared. He's my boyfriend. But I don't want to screw up what we have because of my stupid problems.

He tries to push the door open but my bag's in the way. I give up and move the bag. I can't hide from him anymore. I love him too much to let our relationship suffer because of my pride. I just don't have to tell him anything I don't want to. He won't know. Kurt pushes the door open slowly, as though he's afraid of what he might see. I don't blame him. I'm a complete mess. A dull thud tells me the door's closed. I feel his hand on my shoulder. I don't even want to look up at him. I can't.

Breathe." I know I need to breathe but I can't fucking do it anymore! "Concentrate on your breathing." I'm _trying_. "In and out." Despite my initial anger, his words are soothing. "Try and make a conscious effort to slow it down." My breathing hitches as I try to level it out. "You can do this." I _really_ can't. "C'mon, breathe, nice and easy." He must be a magician, because it's working. My breathing isn't normal but it's slower. Maybe I should say something. "Th-thank you." He rubs my back comfortingly and I feel reassured. "Are you okay?" At last I looked him in the face. I'm not okay, I haven't been okay in forever. Can't tell him that. I just nod. I can be okay. As long as he's with me.

Author's Note:  
I hope you like the chapter, I tried to make it quite long, if it's too boring I'll chop it down.  
Alerts, reviews, favs and critiques welcome :)  
~LooNy


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Cooper was speeding down the freeway; Ohio was where he was headed. To Blaine. In a strange way he was glad of the excuse to come. Yeah, he needed an excuse nowadays to see his freakin' brother. Yeah he felt bad, okay he felt terrible, but he was going to see him now wasn't he? To tell the truth, Cooper was ashamed. He'd spent the past six months regretting his decision to go to LA and leave Blaine when he had needed Cooper the most. He'd just deserted him… his own _brother_. He slammed his fists down on the steering wheel in frustration at himself. He had only his own selfish reasons to blame for that. It's true that he was hurting too, but it was his job to look out for Blaine. He'd been all alone.

He glanced at his phone for the thousandth time. Still no response from Blaine. Hmph. Well he'd expected that. It was still a blow though. He doubted that Blaine would turn him away at the door but he was starting to feel more than a little anxious. How much longer would it take to get to Lima? His sat-nav calculated exactly forty five minutes…too long. He kept pressing down on the accelerator speeding up little by little. "I'm coming Blaine! I'm not leaving you alone again." He said firmly. It started to rain and Cooper cursed at the slight diversion, he'd have to slow down if this rain kept up.

The blue eyed man was unaware that he was going faster and faster by the second, but he was so desperate to be with his baby brother that he didn't care about the consequences of such irresponsible actions. He could hear the thunder crack overhead. "Damn it!" he yelled, his anger heightened. How fitting.

He realised he was speeding and slowed down slightly. His knuckles were white from where he'd been gripping the steering wheel. He needed to get there _now_. Then, Cooper heard the familiar beep of the gas , karma really was a bitch. He pulled into a gas station, cursing as he parked, lopsided, in the narrow space.

Cooper was truly riled. He jammed the gas pump unceremoniously into his car. His jaw was jammed shut. He grinded his teeth together and then flinched at the noise. He was most definitely _not_ polite to the guy at the checkout. He glanced at his watch, it was past 7pm. His stomach gave an angry rumble; with all the stress about the letter he's received, he hadn't been able to eat since breakfast. He sighed in exasperation. He needed more time in the day. His mind raced back to the letter.

The letter. Cooper had not been able to stray his thoughts from that darned letter. Why on Earth did his father have to bring up all this. The same old 'I've changed, I'm a better man'… It was all crap. An act. Cooper's father was the least fatherly person that you could meet. In Cooper's eyes he was a monster. Heck, he hadn't met a person alive who disagreed. He'd always been like that. A disgusting excuse for a human being. Anger rose like bile through Cooper's body. He hated the man. And now he wanted Coopers help? No sir, he would _not_ fall for that. No way.

He could picture his father's face, all smug and rugged. Just as it had been the day he'd last seen him. Cooper hadn't ever visited him. The memory of that day was still as clear as a bell in his mind. The last time Cooper had seen his father was the day of his murder trial.

A/N:  
Thank you so much for the reviews and alerts etc, I appreciate it so much!  
Sorry it took so long to update, summer now so hopefully all will be well concerning the completion of this fic :D I have absolutely nothing else to do so... yeah xD  
I'd just like to respond to one review in particular from a guest. I based the last chapter on a personal experience. I understand where you're coming from. However in my own experience i found that while I hated having my teacher (whom I strongly dislike!) trying to calm me by touching me (that sounds so wrong...) when it was my friend i relaxed more. That is just my personal experience so yeah, I appreciate the review nonetheless! 3  
Also I didn't write the songs from last chapter either my bad!  
1- Torn by Ntalie Imbruglia  
2- Cough Syrup by Young the Giant  
3- Broken Strings by James Morrison  
4- Kids by MGMT  
5- Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine  
6- Smile by Avril Lavigne  
All great songs I love them so much and they're so appropriate :) You should chem 'em out if you haven't already!  
Kay, thanks again, LooNy out!  
~Love from LooNy3


End file.
